Life in the Age of COVID-19: Tips for Communicating Virtually with Loved Ones
I have been quiet on this blog for the past couple of weeks. Not because caregiving and our older relatives and friends have not been on my mind. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I have been overwhelmed with news and information – first, about the devastating impact of COVID-19 on the residents at Life Care Center of Kirkland, Washington and their families, and second, about the best ways to protect our vulnerable, older loved ones at this time of intense uncertainty.
I have no insights into medical research or advice that will make any of us caregivers feel more empowered. But, for this post, I turn my attention to small, practical things that we can do to communicate more effectively and meaningfully with parents, relatives, and friends in new ways.
Adjusting to the New Normal
My Mom, who turned 91 this past Sunday, lives in a long-term care facility. The staff there wisely decided on March 12 to ban outside visitors. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. My mother's safety had been weighing heavily on my mind and I believe that this visiting ban is the best chance we have for keeping the residents safe. I am still able to talk with my Mom on the phone each day and the Activities team has set up a schedule for FaceTime or Skype video calls for residents and families. While these can never replace an in-person visit, a video call is undeniably more delightful than a phone call – seeing my Mom's face and expressions tells me so much about her well-being, even beyond what she conveys in words.
Four Recommendations for Phone and Video Calls
If you are "social distancing" from an older loved one, either by choice or by mandate, here are four tips for making your phone conversations or video calls more enjoyable.
Think about your communication style. Many older people process information more slowly. This may be due to hearing loss or memory disorders like dementia or Alzheimer's disease. When speaking to them over the phone or video call, try to be conscious of speaking more slowly and clearly. Using short sentences can also make it easier for older people to process what you are saying.
Use visuals on video calls. My Mom was delighted that not only could she see me during our video call, I was also able to bring my computer into my husband's home office, so he could say "hi." While I work from home, I have selected a small physical object to keep with me that reminds me of my Mom. During one of her activities, she made me a small cat figure from clay. When we have our video calls, I hold the cat up to show her.
Prepare topics in advance to talk about. Sometimes when older people have memory issues, it's hard for them to keep their end of the conversation going. Before a phone conversation or video conference, I find it helpful to create a list of a few things to talk about – mostly funny anecdotes or information from friends that Mom knows. The Activities team at Mom's nursing home posts the monthly activity calendar online – this is a great resource, since I have an idea of what Mom is up to and can refer to that in our chats. (As a side note, the Activities team is keeping residents three feet away from one another in keeping with social distancing recommendations.)
Look to the past. While we are social distancing or quarantining, it may seem like there isn't much going on to talk about with our loved ones. This is a good time to think back to fond memories and relive them during phone and video calls. Cookbook author and food equity advocate, Julia Turshen, is posting a daily writing prompt at 2pm Eastern time on Instagram related to food. I feel like food is such an integral part of our family lives and a rich source of memories. These prompts could be a potential source of conversation ideas. Turshen's prompt on March 17th was: Is there a holiday food that you look forward to more than anything? What is it and what does it mean to you?
At this time, I hope for health and strength for all of you caregivers and your families. All we can do is our best, one day at a time. Be well.
[UPDATE — I learned this morning 3/18, that activities are no longer being held, since CDC recommendations are to limit gatherings to less than 10 people. This morning, each resident sat in the door of their nursing home room while an Activities staffer stood in the hall at a distance and led them in chair exercises.]
My clay cat, handcrafted by Mom…